Fostering teenagers: How to connect

There are hundreds of thousands of kids in foster care at any given time and up to a quarter of them are aged 14 and up. Teens often have a hard time in foster care because they are undergoing a lot of emotional, physical and psychological changes, and the struggles they and their foster parents go through can make it difficult to form strong bonds. While it may be challenging, it is possible to connect and form connections with a foster child. It will take some patience and time, but it is doable. To help, here’s a look at a few things to do to start forming these important connections.

Understanding what they are experiencing

It may be difficult to connect to a teenager without understanding what they are going through. Many parents feel nervous about the teenage years. They may expect arguments, for teens to challenge their authority and lots of frustration. This is quite common for all kids, including foster teens.

So, why do teenagers do this?

As kids turn into teenagers, they go through social, psychological, mental and physical changes. They also have to adapt to different situations including new schedules, friends, relationships and schools. The hormones surging through them can lead to anxiety, moodiness and much more.

It is also around this time that foster kids start exploring independent ideas, something that all foster parents should encourage. They may also have a hard time understanding why the parents are right, and not having concrete answers to their questions will not suffice.

Understanding all the above lets foster parents take the first step towards understanding what their teenager is going through. It is only after understanding them and their situation that it becomes easier to find somewhere to start to form connections and lasting bonds.

Making time

One of the most important things to do to connect and build a relationship with a foster teen is to make time to spend with them. While being available physically is important when helping with their homework or hobbies or having dinner together, it is not always enough.

Spending time means allocating some time for quality bonding. This can include watching a film or helping them with something they love. It is at this time that one is emotionally available so they can start being open too.

It’s a very good idea to try to allocate an hour or two on the same day and at the same time each week to help establish a routine. Taking the time will let a foster teenager know their carers better and encourage them to talk about themselves too. The relaxed environment should make this easier.

Listening

Effective communication is not only about talking as it also entails a lot of listening. Communication should not be one-sided, and teenagers should be encouraged to talk by making it clear they are being listened to. Doing so helps them feel seen and heard, and this makes it easier for them to open up.

It’s important to understand that it might be difficult to hear some of the things they have to say, especially if they have not had the best lives, but it is important to still listen and respond appropriately. The goal is to let them know they can always talk to and confide in their foster carers, and they are always there for them.

Listening is one of the key skills to master before becoming a foster parent. Others include patience and compassion, both of which are especially important when bringing a teenager into a new environment. Those thinking about fostering in the UK should cultivate these skills in addition to learning how to be empathetic and resilient, and to deal with the emotions that come up as they talk to their children.

Building trust

Listening, as discussed above, is key to building trust, which is another essential part of building a connection to a foster teenager. Trust will likely not come quickly, especially for teenagers who have been through a lot and who have changed homes often. Such circumstances lead to trust issues, which means working harder to get theirs.

Remaining patient and trying different things to see what works can help. For example, carers can tell a foster child something about themselves, which could help them feel that they are trusted. It’s best to avoid details they can use against their carers in the future.

Another way to build trust is by letting them handle something on their own. That could be something as simple as walking the dog or using the computer. Small things and responsibilities like this make them realise they are trusted and can go a long way in helping them trust others, too.

Helping when they need it

Many foster kids fall behind in school due to frequent moves and turbulent circumstances. As a foster parent, it’s essential to help them whenever they need it. That might be by helping them complete their homework or getting them a tutor. Doing either or both can help them understand they and their future are cared about, and this can lead to the strengthening of the bond.

Finding a balance between fun and responsibility, especially when it comes to things that affect their future, can be challenging. Teenagers want to spend time with their friends or on their phones. While they should be given them some time to be teenagers, it is also the carer’s responsibility to steer them towards beneficial activities.

While they may not see it now, they will appreciate insistence on taking care of themselves, getting enough sleep and studying in the future.

Finding activities to do together

Spending time with a foster teen provides opportunities for talking and building trust. But what activities can be shared? There is an endless list to choose from but it’s worth picking things they are interested in and that will take about an hour or so.

Many foster teens struggle to feel wanted or loved, but this can be turned around by taking time to form a connection and bond. There are many ways to do so as discussed above. It is tremendously fulfilling to see a teen offer their trust and open up, with a stronger bond and connection only growing from there.

The editorial unit